Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.
Colleen McCulloug
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W.C. Fields
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tommy Cooper
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
Tommy Cooper
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W.C. Fields
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan
My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Eric Morecambe
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
Mike Wilmot
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain
You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
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