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Funny Facts


Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.


The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.

Colleen McCulloug

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

W.C. Fields

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Will Rogers

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Tommy Cooper

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

Tommy Cooper

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

W.C. Fields

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Spike Milligan

My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Eric Morecambe

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.

Mike Wilmot

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Mark Twain

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

Demetri Martin


Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

Demetri Martin


I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

Demetri Martin


Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby


If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

Dave Allen

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
Mark Twain

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Marilyn vos Savant

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